On our blog, we mainly post about our trips and adventures and rarely share our personal feelings. But... I need to express my feelings. Because lately, I'm feeling all the feels. I've been bottling up my feelings and it's been really hard for me to share with Alastair exactly what I'm feeling because I don't think I truly understand (I'm still trying to process it all). But during a conversation with friends tonight, I nonchalantly explained how I was feeling, and I realized that I need to let my jumbled thoughts out so I can get it out of my head and create some space for more positive ones. Woah, duuuuude!
It's a hard thing, moving. I'm 95% super excited about moving. I love a fresh start. I love meeting new people. I love culture. I LOVE CHANGE! It's good for my soul. I remember as a teen, I would dye my hair just because I loved to switch things up. Even if it were just variant shades of dark brown, it was still considered a change. I even couldn't sleep in the same bed every night. I would get so restless that I would wind up sleeping on a couch, recliner, the floor, anywhere. So yeah, I love change and the nomadic life.
But there's 5% that's just messing with me. To me, the process of moving has stages.
Stage 1: Excitement. You share the news with everyone. You count down months in advance and the time is going slow. You sporadically spark up conversations about how awesome it's going to be and all the wonderful possibilities the future holds. You daydream of walking through cute little neighborhoods and sightseeing. It's sheer bliss! It seems so far away, but you can't wait for that day to arrive!
Stage 2: Feeling the feels. It's the last month or a few weeks away. Time was once passing slowly, and now, it's going too fast. You're scrambling. You have a list of things to do but can't seem to start working on that list. You mock pack. You go through EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE of clothing, toiletries, shoes, papers, toys....EVERYTHING. You start to create piles: keep, store, donate, or toss. You try on things, you reevaluate, you question your choices, and then you panic. Your mind starts to worry, you start feeling anxious, your hands start to nervously shake, your breathing is erratic, you struggle to swallow, you stare into oblivion, and you don't know what is going on with you. So you sink your head into a pillow and cry. And the trigger? Going through makeup. And you feel ridiculous! Because it is ridiculous!
I feel ridiculous!
I've done this plenty of times. I've done this 6 weeks postpartum. Packed all our stuff into the car and moved cross country with a 6-week old baby. I literally got the "clear" from the doctor, said goodbye to Qualtrics friends, and drove off. And moving to another country? I've done that. Twice. Moving, it's nothing new. I delight in it!
But it is hard. It's hard to say goodbye to people, places, and things.
I'm going to miss this chapter in life. Our Michigan life was a pleasant surprise. I remember when we first made it to Michigan. It was late March. The snow had melted and everything looked dead. Grey, brown, and dead. It looked bleak. I was trying to be so strong and remain faithful to "the plan." We were meant to be here. We were only in our place for less than 30 minutes and we drove to IKEA. On the way there, I was silently freaking out. "What the H-E double hockey sticks are we doing here?!" I think Alastair read my mind and likened our new venture to when he first arrived in his mission. And then, I bawled. I wanted to bail. Drive straight back to Utah. I had never heard of anyone moving to Michigan. I had never heard of Ann Arbor and the U of M. I remember Googling Ann Arbor and not finding anything exciting. All I knew was that it was fairly close to Detroit. Ooooooh scary! (Not scary.)
After living here for the past few years... Ann Arbor is great. Ann Arbor is a pleasant surprise! A Mid Western city with a melting pot of culture and quirkiness! More places need to be like Ann Arbor. It is a beautiful place to be! Horrible in the Winter, pretty in the Spring, luscious in the Summer, and magnificent in the Fall.
Emre grew up here, and that's the hardest part. All the little memories. Emre hit all his milestones here. I learned what motherhood is all about here. I cut all my hair off here! I grew so much as a person here.
And the people. I'll miss Tuesdays and getting tacos with the Googlers. I'll miss the dinner conversations. I'll miss game nights. I'll miss barbeques. I'll miss the little excursions. I'll miss impromptu hangouts. I'll miss every single friend that we made in Ann Arbor. Our A2 friends will hold a special place in our hearts.
So that's what I'm feeling. It's well and good to be excited for change, but it's also important to recognize and mourn "loss."
Oh, and the last stage....
Stage 3: What the H-E-double hockey sticks am I doing here?! It's going to happen. It's inevitable. It will happen when you least expect it. But it's all the process of figuring out your place. You can either rise to the occasion and make the most of it, or you can waste a good thing. I guess my anxiety stems from the unkown and not sure how and when or if I find my place.
Anyways....
If you ACTUALLY read this, sorry. This probably wasn't exciting or beneficial for you. But hey, I feel a tiny bit better.
Oh, Michigan.... Thank you and I love you! Oh, and the US of A...see you???